After many years, Dr. Gary Chapman began to consistently see a trend among married couples he counselled. Husbands and wives would confess to being on completely different pages and were constantly butting heads. He concluded that men and women aren’t really from different planets after all. Instead, in his book, 5 love languages, he categorized couples’ communication quarrels into,
5 preferred ways of both expressing and receiving love.
Therefore, couple’s misunderstanding or hurt stem from the inability to effectively identify and express your partners’ love language. Too often we try and show love to our spouses the way we, ourselves, like to receive it. How well do you satisfy your partners desire to receive love? It’s not as complicated as it sounds. The first step is to find out what your primary love language is. There will be overlap but Chapman says most people have one, primary love language that is most preferred.
This doesn’t necessarily have to include the obvious. It actually might mean more to you to simply hold hands, be caressed in passing, or have your feet rubbed etc. Touch can bring out many physiological responses. It releases neurotransmitters dopamine and serotonin making you feel happier and more at ease. If you aren’t receiving as much physical touch in your relationship you might feel distant or have a sense of longing towards your spouse.
To satisfy a partner whose primary love language is physical touch, you can be the one taking on the role of initiating romance which would come as a great surprise. You can also be more mindful and snuggle more or run your fingers through their hair. Thankfully, this one is easy to remedy.
If your primary love language is to receive gifts, than your partner has a lot creative work ahead of him. You are the type of person that understands love through things like receiving flowers to the office, coming home to a box of chocolates or being lavished with jewellery.
If this is you than you are actually in luck! Men have an innate nature to provide. It’s easier for him to show love through gifts than it is through words. The only downside is that it can be easily confused with buying one’s affection if gifts is not their love language.
Going for walks or having dinner together is most important to you. It doesn’t matter what you are doing as long as its with your loved one. This is a really tough one if your spouse works long hours and consistently coming home late or missing dance recitals. If you are both busy with work and caring for the children there isn’t much time left for each other. Parents often leave quality time together as a last resort to a busy day. Planned or scheduled date nights are a great solution here. So, find a reliable babysitter and make this something to look forward to.
Acts of service
Do you love to do things for other people? Are you more likely to make a card from scratch, paint your friends toenails, bake your husband a batch of his favourite cookies? Than your love language might be Acts of Service.
Believe it or not mens’ primary love language is often Acts of Service. It’s easier to do than say. Problems arise here when husbands think they are showing love by doing certain things for their wives around the house. It’s not that the other spouse is ungrateful but that it’s just not the other’s primary love language. It doesn’t pack the same meaningful punch.
Words of affirmation
If you would rather not have to do the guess work and be told how you are loved, Words of Affirmation might be your primary love language. Nothing else can make you feel better than hearing those three words. It could be in a love letter, a love song or whispered in your ear.
Conflict often arises because men tend to be more do’ers than sayers. They often have troubles verbalizing what’s on their mind and are more likely to bottle it in what’s on their heart. This is one of the toughest love languages to meet. Both partners need to meet each other in the middle and open the lines of communication.
Comment below and tell me what love language(s) you speak? Here is a quiz you can do to find out…